What I Learned From Brightest Day

Hey everyone,  Jason Todd here with another edition of my crowd pleasing, award winning, bone chilling, life changing, over exaggerating column, "What I Learned From..." This time I plan on telling you guys what I learned from the year long bi-weekly comic series known only as Brightest Day. It's gonna be sarcastic, point out a ton of flaws, as well as probably negative, so unless that's your thing, I'd get the hell outta here! So, let's get this thing underway!

~The following are the views of the Jason Todd Comic Spot, they are in no way, shape or form considered to be coherent in any language or to any race or creed of people. Without any more stalling, I present to you What I learned from Brightest Day.~

Deadman's first act back was to destroy his own headstone... he's gonna regret that in about 24 issues...

In issue 0 the White Lantern ring convinces Boston to help him by showing a TON of images that don't happen, including Hawkman and Hawkgirl fighting, Osiris' breaking the Black Adam and Isis statues, Blue Beetle and Max Lord shaking hands, Mera having Aquaman chained up and Hawk and Dove making out... damn that ring is a lying son of a bitch.

The White Lantern ring causes a forest to sprout in the middle of Star City in the shape of a star... for no apparent reason.

Aquaman can return from the dead apparently bulletproof, Captain Boomerang can return younger and shedding a ton of weight, yet Deadman returns only as a guy who is teleported around randomly by a ring. Interesting. wait no, I mean stupid.

No Aquaman leads to Manta being a fish gutter, Aquaman returns, he goes crazy and starts killing people. See Arthur, you did more good when you were dead, ya bastard.

By submerging himself in water, Black Manta can apparently jump OUT of the water in full gear... because putting on gear underwater is apparently less of a hassle than putting it on while on dry land.

A crazed Martian apparently lived in disguise and had a family with a human on Earth and waited for Martian Manhunter to return, who was dead for all of a few months in the comic world, all the while he apparently believed himself to be the only living Green Martian...

In order to get information he wants, Martian Manhunter is not above pretending to be a crazy old woman's deceased father, yep, he's that kind of hero.

Whoever's in charge of the continuity forgot that Jason Rusch's dad has a prosthetic arm in issue three and drew him with two perfectly fine arms, which would later change back to a prosthetic with no explanation.

The bones of the Hawks can apparently make a portal to another dimension, I guess that adds truth to the phrase what goes around comes around... or something?

Deadman and Dove's relationship started by him sniffing her while she slept... yep, Deadman's got game. If you're single, go sniff a chick while she's sleeping, the babe's love that. She'll be making ya cheeseburgers for breakfast in no time.

Mera was sent to kill Aquaman, instead she married him, banged him and gave him a kid she apparently didn't even want, clearly he sniffed her while she slept which caused all of that.

Boston Brand takes one bite of a burger because apparently after being dead for YEARS, all you need is one bite and you don't need to eat for the rest of the series. Damn, is there anything cheeseburgers can't do? (Thanks to Caz for pointing this out.)

In issue 7 everyone gets their missions from the White Lantern, they are as follows:

- Deadman - Embrace life, which got him killed. Man, that sucks....

- Martian Manhunter - Burn it down (while showing the forest). he eventually kills D'Kay and somehow that counts....

- Jason Rusch (who didn't die) has a mission to get his head out of the books... nothing comes from that.

- Ronald Raymond - Study More, which he doesn't but their joint mission was to destroy Deathstorm which they do.

- Hawkman - Don't let them leave this world, stop the Queen. Hawk stops the evil queen on Zamaron.

- Hawkgirl - Save Hawkman from Hath-Set, she does and ends up dying even though she completed her mission.

- Aquaman - Find him (Aqualad) before they do, he finds him... hooray. D

- Boomerang - Throw a Boomerang at Dove, it took him 24 issues but he did it.

- Jade - Balance the Darkness... well that's vague...

- Osiris - Free your sister, which he had o do by killing people... yet the White Lantern resurrected people... so that really made no damn sense. Especially since people had to die for the Champion to come back and Osiris had killed a fair share already...

- Max Lord - Kill Magog, which he did pretty quickly compared to some of these people and their missions.

- Reverse Flash - Allow Flash to escape the Speed Force...which I thought he WAS according to... Flash Rebirth... where Reverse Flash appeared... even though he should've been dead... which... whatever... point is he had to do nothing.

- Hawk - Catch Boomer's boomerang, which he didn't do, which resulted in nothing.

In other words, Deadman and Hawkgirl did their missions and died, yet Hawk didn't do his mention and is rewarded by being the only guy on a team of hot female superheroes...

The ring will tell Boston to find the protector of Earth, even though he's apparently dead, so out of over 7 billion people on Earth alone, Deadman is looking for a dead...man.

Jason Rusch's dad said he deserves the world's worst dad trophy, I'd put him behind Michael Jackson's dad and Omni-Man, but whatever.

Deathstorm can use the White Lantern to resurrect a bunch of Black Lanterns from people that are already living, because sure, that doesn't go against EVERYTHING we learned in Blackest Night.

When waiting for Martian Manhunter to arrive, D'kay decides to go shopping, kill some people and then prepare some turkey and wine for their big meeting, because if there's anything a Martian loves, it's turkey and wine by candlelight dinner.

When looking for who the Champion of Earth could be, Deadman has pictures of Green Arrow, The Flash and... The Ray? Bwahahaha

Batman wasn't the Champion of the Earth, because the guy whose saved the Earth countless times and taken down the heavy hitters like Superman, Green Lantern and The Flash, is nothing to the Alec Holland, who technically wasn't even Swamp Thing according to Johns.

Boston gave up the ring and got shot and died, but was given the ring back and given a second, well third chance. He'd later die again due to a boomerang, because... he had horrible luck apparently. I mean who gets shot two seconds after taking off a ring that's BASED on life? So he's been shot dead twice and killed with a Magical Boomerang for those counting.

Boston Brand was a dick... that is all.

Martian Manhunter wants to be a Green Lantern, because if there's anything someone that's as powerful as Superman needs, it's a Green Lantern Ring. (I'm looking at YOU, Sodam Yat.)

In the future The Batman will look like Marlon Brando... And he's gonna make you an offer ya can't refuse.

Batman Europa comes out January 2011....Wait a minute...

Congorilla had to appear because DC has a contract with the company that makes King Kong movies... either that or someone at DC LOVES Monkeys, you decide.

When in doubt, have Firestorm "blow up the universe" as a cliffhanger at the end of issue 16 in what you've already announced as a 24 issue series... because somewhere there's someone stupid enough to believe he really DID blow up the universe.

Hawkman and Hawkgirl's "ancient Hearts" power the Sapphire Lanterns through their love.. or something. I feel like Geoff Johns is just saying random shit just to say it now.

The entity for Love senses that Hawkgirl's mom has no love.. so it rewards her by bonding with her to give her an insane amount of power... that makes NO sense...

Boston's grandfather is allowed to leave a nursing home on a motorcycle... with his grandson that's been pronounced dead for years now. God that staff is really half-assing it aren't they?

The bones of Hawkman and Hawkgirl's past lives can come back to live and drag Hawkgirl's mom to hell or something, because if there's one thing magical bones of people who've died numerous times should be able to do, it's get revenge on someone who DIDN'T kill them.

The last time we saw the Hawks alive in Blackest Night, they had just had sex and were then killed by Ralph and Sue Dibny. They came back, fought people and teamed with animals, then were about to have sex and were blasted by Deadman and his ring. In other words, if you have sex, you will die... this message was brought to you by DC Comics.

Aquaman got both hands cut off over his lifetime, and know he has both back, meaning he's the only superhero that was forced to be ambidextrous.

Aquaman, he's pretty much bulletproof yet you cut off his hand and he cries like a little girl that's stubbed her toe.

Mera's powerful enough to control the entire sea, cause ya know... that comes with Kegel exercises I'd guess.

When there's drama and you call in a veritable who's who of heroes like Superman, Batman, and The Flash, you should also call in Metamorpho, and Congorilla, because those are A-Listers If I've ever heard of one.

Martian Manhunter, not to be outdone by Deadman, also dies three times, because, ya know... the death in three's thing is meant to be taken literal.

If a White Lantern Ring tells you to choose your world, between a desolate world with no one, and a world full of billions, choose the desolate one, or an acrobat in a ghost costume will shoot you with a power ring.

During Crisis on Infinite Earths, Ronnie Raymond wrote "Ronnie was here" on a rock, because clearly nothing about your entire universe being destroyed means that Ronnie should be serious.

After having him infused with him for like 12 issues, Deathstorm released Prof. Stein for no reason whatsoever. When I asked Deathstorm why, he said he thought it would be radical. I've since stopped talking to Deathstorm.

Firestorm's mission was to destroy Deathstorm, which he only did because it told him mission complete and blasted a beam which killed Deathstorm... meaning the only way he could complete his mission...was to complete his mission. Oh, and they never fought one on one.

Green Arrow appeared in one page on Brightest Day 23 to shoot an arrow at a wall that kept people from entering the forest... and wasn't seen again. Riveting!

Geoff Johns has been watching Power Rangers which influenced his Color Corps, and Captain Planet which encouraged Brightest Day, in other words, yes, the power is yours!

Alec Holland is Captain Planet... That's all.

Hawk couldn't catch a boomerang that he had a year in our time to prepare for almost, yet if he had, Deadman wouldn't have died and Alec Holland wouldn't have a life... so the world would be doomed, so thanks for failing Hawk. YOU get the big ol' Fail Award!

While two giant Swamp Things fight each other, Superman, Batman, even Giganta and Apache Chief are nowhere to be found.

This time Deadman died without his mask, yet his ghost has to wear a mask... okay..

Dove can hear Deadman, but he's still dead. Yep, that's what a young hottie needs, a dead boyfriend that she can hear, so if she dates someone else she has to know Deadman's thre AND listen to him while he's watching her.

Aquaman comes back with his hand, but Hawkman comes back without his woman, which means Aquaman's hand is Hawkgirl, which adds a WHOLE new meaning to... nevermind. I won't go there.

The White Lantern didn't really answer a few questions, then it left, because if there's anything we didn't need to know, it's why the hell THAT lantern could talk.

Swamp Thing killed a bunch of BP execs for ruining his planet, oh yeah, you're definitely the Earth's champion. A giant tree-hugger that doesn't mind the blood.

John Constantine showed up and told us all that this series was bollocks... I agree Constantine.

Coming in 2012, the biggest crossover mini-series since Blackest Night, Brightest Day, and Flashpoint, Dimmest Noon!

Well that was a lot longer than I expected, so if you even read part of it, thanks for sticking through. And before I get out of here I wanna remind you all of the Top Five 5! For those of you that don't know how it goes, you send me your top five picks for each category at KevinKavalier@gmail.com and I'll post the answers this Monday and compare everyone's results. Make sure ya send your picks in ASAP so you don't forget. The topics are below, and here's hoping you guys participate. Until next time, I'm your friendly neighborhood Blogger-Man, Jason Todd. You stay classy, Todd Squad.

Five DC Villains/Anti-Heroes You'd put on Deathstroke's Titans Team (Not counting Deathstroke)

Five Characters You wish you could write for

Five Characters you wish were used more

Five Characters you want resurrected

Five Characters who you wish stayed killed off 

Until next time, I'm your friendly neighborhood Blogger-Man, Jason Todd, signing off. You stay classy Todd Squad!