Saturday, May 7, 2011

What I Learned From Brightest Day

Hey everyone,  Jason Todd here with another edition of my crowd pleasing, award winning, bone chilling, life changing, over exaggerating column, "What I Learned From..." This time I plan on telling you guys what I learned from the year long bi-weekly comic series known only as Brightest Day. It's gonna be sarcastic, point out a ton of flaws, as well as probably negative, so unless that's your thing, I'd get the hell outta here! So, let's get this thing underway!

~The following are the views of the Jason Todd Comic Spot, they are in no way, shape or form considered to be coherent in any language or to any race or creed of people. Without any more stalling, I present to you What I learned from Brightest Day.~

Deadman's first act back was to destroy his own headstone... he's gonna regret that in about 24 issues...

In issue 0 the White Lantern ring convinces Boston to help him by showing a TON of images that don't happen, including Hawkman and Hawkgirl fighting, Osiris' breaking the Black Adam and Isis statues, Blue Beetle and Max Lord shaking hands, Mera having Aquaman chained up and Hawk and Dove making out... damn that ring is a lying son of a bitch.

The White Lantern ring causes a forest to sprout in the middle of Star City in the shape of a star... for no apparent reason.

Aquaman can return from the dead apparently bulletproof, Captain Boomerang can return younger and shedding a ton of weight, yet Deadman returns only as a guy who is teleported around randomly by a ring. Interesting. wait no, I mean stupid.

No Aquaman leads to Manta being a fish gutter, Aquaman returns, he goes crazy and starts killing people. See Arthur, you did more good when you were dead, ya bastard.

By submerging himself in water, Black Manta can apparently jump OUT of the water in full gear... because putting on gear underwater is apparently less of a hassle than putting it on while on dry land.

A crazed Martian apparently lived in disguise and had a family with a human on Earth and waited for Martian Manhunter to return, who was dead for all of a few months in the comic world, all the while he apparently believed himself to be the only living Green Martian...

In order to get information he wants, Martian Manhunter is not above pretending to be a crazy old woman's deceased father, yep, he's that kind of hero.

Whoever's in charge of the continuity forgot that Jason Rusch's dad has a prosthetic arm in issue three and drew him with two perfectly fine arms, which would later change back to a prosthetic with no explanation.

The bones of the Hawks can apparently make a portal to another dimension, I guess that adds truth to the phrase what goes around comes around... or something?

Deadman and Dove's relationship started by him sniffing her while she slept... yep, Deadman's got game. If you're single, go sniff a chick while she's sleeping, the babe's love that. She'll be making ya cheeseburgers for breakfast in no time.

Mera was sent to kill Aquaman, instead she married him, banged him and gave him a kid she apparently didn't even want, clearly he sniffed her while she slept which caused all of that.

Boston Brand takes one bite of a burger because apparently after being dead for YEARS, all you need is one bite and you don't need to eat for the rest of the series. Damn, is there anything cheeseburgers can't do? (Thanks to Caz for pointing this out.)

In issue 7 everyone gets their missions from the White Lantern, they are as follows:

- Deadman - Embrace life, which got him killed. Man, that sucks....

- Martian Manhunter - Burn it down (while showing the forest). he eventually kills D'Kay and somehow that counts....

- Jason Rusch (who didn't die) has a mission to get his head out of the books... nothing comes from that.

- Ronald Raymond - Study More, which he doesn't but their joint mission was to destroy Deathstorm which they do.

- Hawkman - Don't let them leave this world, stop the Queen. Hawk stops the evil queen on Zamaron.

- Hawkgirl - Save Hawkman from Hath-Set, she does and ends up dying even though she completed her mission.

- Aquaman - Find him (Aqualad) before they do, he finds him... hooray. D

- Boomerang - Throw a Boomerang at Dove, it took him 24 issues but he did it.

- Jade - Balance the Darkness... well that's vague...

- Osiris - Free your sister, which he had o do by killing people... yet the White Lantern resurrected people... so that really made no damn sense. Especially since people had to die for the Champion to come back and Osiris had killed a fair share already...

- Max Lord - Kill Magog, which he did pretty quickly compared to some of these people and their missions.

- Reverse Flash - Allow Flash to escape the Speed Force...which I thought he WAS according to... Flash Rebirth... where Reverse Flash appeared... even though he should've been dead... which... whatever... point is he had to do nothing.

- Hawk - Catch Boomer's boomerang, which he didn't do, which resulted in nothing.

In other words, Deadman and Hawkgirl did their missions and died, yet Hawk didn't do his mention and is rewarded by being the only guy on a team of hot female superheroes...

The ring will tell Boston to find the protector of Earth, even though he's apparently dead, so out of over 7 billion people on Earth alone, Deadman is looking for a

Jason Rusch's dad said he deserves the world's worst dad trophy, I'd put him behind Michael Jackson's dad and Omni-Man, but whatever.

Deathstorm can use the White Lantern to resurrect a bunch of Black Lanterns from people that are already living, because sure, that doesn't go against EVERYTHING we learned in Blackest Night.

When waiting for Martian Manhunter to arrive, D'kay decides to go shopping, kill some people and then prepare some turkey and wine for their big meeting, because if there's anything a Martian loves, it's turkey and wine by candlelight dinner.

When looking for who the Champion of Earth could be, Deadman has pictures of Green Arrow, The Flash and... The Ray? Bwahahaha

Batman wasn't the Champion of the Earth, because the guy whose saved the Earth countless times and taken down the heavy hitters like Superman, Green Lantern and The Flash, is nothing to the Alec Holland, who technically wasn't even Swamp Thing according to Johns.

Boston gave up the ring and got shot and died, but was given the ring back and given a second, well third chance. He'd later die again due to a boomerang, because... he had horrible luck apparently. I mean who gets shot two seconds after taking off a ring that's BASED on life? So he's been shot dead twice and killed with a Magical Boomerang for those counting.

Boston Brand was a dick... that is all.

Martian Manhunter wants to be a Green Lantern, because if there's anything someone that's as powerful as Superman needs, it's a Green Lantern Ring. (I'm looking at YOU, Sodam Yat.)

In the future The Batman will look like Marlon Brando... And he's gonna make you an offer ya can't refuse.

Batman Europa comes out January 2011....Wait a minute...

Congorilla had to appear because DC has a contract with the company that makes King Kong movies... either that or someone at DC LOVES Monkeys, you decide.

When in doubt, have Firestorm "blow up the universe" as a cliffhanger at the end of issue 16 in what you've already announced as a 24 issue series... because somewhere there's someone stupid enough to believe he really DID blow up the universe.

Hawkman and Hawkgirl's "ancient Hearts" power the Sapphire Lanterns through their love.. or something. I feel like Geoff Johns is just saying random shit just to say it now.

The entity for Love senses that Hawkgirl's mom has no love.. so it rewards her by bonding with her to give her an insane amount of power... that makes NO sense...

Boston's grandfather is allowed to leave a nursing home on a motorcycle... with his grandson that's been pronounced dead for years now. God that staff is really half-assing it aren't they?

The bones of Hawkman and Hawkgirl's past lives can come back to live and drag Hawkgirl's mom to hell or something, because if there's one thing magical bones of people who've died numerous times should be able to do, it's get revenge on someone who DIDN'T kill them.

The last time we saw the Hawks alive in Blackest Night, they had just had sex and were then killed by Ralph and Sue Dibny. They came back, fought people and teamed with animals, then were about to have sex and were blasted by Deadman and his ring. In other words, if you have sex, you will die... this message was brought to you by DC Comics.

Aquaman got both hands cut off over his lifetime, and know he has both back, meaning he's the only superhero that was forced to be ambidextrous.

Aquaman, he's pretty much bulletproof yet you cut off his hand and he cries like a little girl that's stubbed her toe.

Mera's powerful enough to control the entire sea, cause ya know... that comes with Kegel exercises I'd guess.

When there's drama and you call in a veritable who's who of heroes like Superman, Batman, and The Flash, you should also call in Metamorpho, and Congorilla, because those are A-Listers If I've ever heard of one.

Martian Manhunter, not to be outdone by Deadman, also dies three times, because, ya know... the death in three's thing is meant to be taken literal.

If a White Lantern Ring tells you to choose your world, between a desolate world with no one, and a world full of billions, choose the desolate one, or an acrobat in a ghost costume will shoot you with a power ring.

During Crisis on Infinite Earths, Ronnie Raymond wrote "Ronnie was here" on a rock, because clearly nothing about your entire universe being destroyed means that Ronnie should be serious.

After having him infused with him for like 12 issues, Deathstorm released Prof. Stein for no reason whatsoever. When I asked Deathstorm why, he said he thought it would be radical. I've since stopped talking to Deathstorm.

Firestorm's mission was to destroy Deathstorm, which he only did because it told him mission complete and blasted a beam which killed Deathstorm... meaning the only way he could complete his mission...was to complete his mission. Oh, and they never fought one on one.

Green Arrow appeared in one page on Brightest Day 23 to shoot an arrow at a wall that kept people from entering the forest... and wasn't seen again. Riveting!

Geoff Johns has been watching Power Rangers which influenced his Color Corps, and Captain Planet which encouraged Brightest Day, in other words, yes, the power is yours!

Alec Holland is Captain Planet... That's all.

Hawk couldn't catch a boomerang that he had a year in our time to prepare for almost, yet if he had, Deadman wouldn't have died and Alec Holland wouldn't have a life... so the world would be doomed, so thanks for failing Hawk. YOU get the big ol' Fail Award!

While two giant Swamp Things fight each other, Superman, Batman, even Giganta and Apache Chief are nowhere to be found.

This time Deadman died without his mask, yet his ghost has to wear a mask... okay..

Dove can hear Deadman, but he's still dead. Yep, that's what a young hottie needs, a dead boyfriend that she can hear, so if she dates someone else she has to know Deadman's thre AND listen to him while he's watching her.

Aquaman comes back with his hand, but Hawkman comes back without his woman, which means Aquaman's hand is Hawkgirl, which adds a WHOLE new meaning to... nevermind. I won't go there.

The White Lantern didn't really answer a few questions, then it left, because if there's anything we didn't need to know, it's why the hell THAT lantern could talk.

Swamp Thing killed a bunch of BP execs for ruining his planet, oh yeah, you're definitely the Earth's champion. A giant tree-hugger that doesn't mind the blood.

John Constantine showed up and told us all that this series was bollocks... I agree Constantine.

Coming in 2012, the biggest crossover mini-series since Blackest Night, Brightest Day, and Flashpoint, Dimmest Noon!

Well that was a lot longer than I expected, so if you even read part of it, thanks for sticking through. And before I get out of here I wanna remind you all of the Top Five 5! For those of you that don't know how it goes, you send me your top five picks for each category at and I'll post the answers this Monday and compare everyone's results. Make sure ya send your picks in ASAP so you don't forget. The topics are below, and here's hoping you guys participate. Until next time, I'm your friendly neighborhood Blogger-Man, Jason Todd. You stay classy, Todd Squad.

Five DC Villains/Anti-Heroes You'd put on Deathstroke's Titans Team (Not counting Deathstroke)
Five Characters You wish you could write for
Five Characters you wish were used more
Five Characters you want resurrected
Five Characters who you wish stayed killed off 
Until next time, I'm your friendly neighborhood Blogger-Man, Jason Todd, signing off. You stay classy Todd Squad!


  1. In the immortal words of John Constantine, bollocks, that was awesome!!! Once I saw this was posted, I knew my mountains of homework had to take a back seat! JT, my friend, you really outdid yourself here... And proved a very important point... You NEED to do more of these posts, if only to amuse me, which is pretty important.

    Now, there were TONS of things that had me chuckling to rolling(such as the return of the Big Ol' FAIL award), but in the interest of not taking up TOO much of your time(as well as me getting back to damn work!), here are just a few... The Black Manta/costume thing made NO sense. I mean doesn't he wear armor?! How did he get that on while he was in the water?

    The fact that D-Kay, a Martian, sets up a meal of turkey and wine for the MARTIAN Manhunter was just bizarre... I mean, why turkey?? Is that like a notoriously beloved Martian delicacy or something? Weird...

    "because somewhere there's someone stupid enough to believe he really DID blow up the universe" Hey, 20% of the people who voted on your poll said they LOVED Brightest Day, so I'll believe anything when it comes to DC fans now...

    I'm so glad you called Chairman Johns on the Flash/Speed Force thing... Why does he have to be freed from the Speed Force if he IS/created the Speed Force. Further proof that Johns has gone stark-raving insane...

    "is nothing to the Alec Holland, who technically wasn't even Swamp Thing" Wait, did you happen to collaborate with Sheiky Baby?!? :D

    JT, you're a much better man than I am, because I'd never want to dig these comics out and look through them again. You truly suffer for us all!

    PS, I still haven't sent my picks out yet...

  2. Lmmfao... I stopped eating my dinner to reply to this. Just got home for work and this comment gets precedence. Thanks for the long comment dude, and I can only HOPE to elaborate on each topic, which I will now try to do. :P

    The Big Ol' Fail award fit Perfectly there, I mean it just rolled off my finger tips as I was typing. And that armor... you'd think there'd be water IN it which would weigh him down and or drown him...

    I'm not commenting on that stupid Martian Turkey dinner... And you read my mind on that DC poll thing. :P Dude... the SECOND I READ THAT I was like wait... I thought Barry WAS the speedforce, how the hell can he be freed from himself?!

    Sheiky Baby fever, you must catch it or you will be the humbled. And thanks dude, I'm glad you liked it because after looking at those comics I started to think this was a HUGE waste of time. And I'm aware you haven't sent them yet :P

  3. Well after a post THIS epic, I felt the need to type up a long reply in response! Plus I was in a typing mood today anyway, so yeah, it all went hand in hand...

    HA! I didn't even think about the fact that he would have got water IN the armor before he put it on! I... Yeah...

    You know, it's one thing when another writer messes up something like Saint Barry = The Speed Force, but when the writer who WROTE it can't keep it straight, you KNOW there's trouble! I mean even if Tomasi wrote that particular scene(which wouldn't make any sense), you'd think El Chairman would have looked it over and been like, "Wait, this isn't right!"

    "the humbled"... THAT right there made my night. thank you you mfing the jt!

  4. Haha well good that I caught you on a good day?

    Exactly!!!! I mean... if he can breathe in water, what's the point of the suit?! Haha El Chairman, and yeah, I mean, is Tomasi just not reading Geoff's work? It just seemed like such a weird thing...

    Haha my pleasure the x, the intelligent germ...lmao I feel so bad for that...

  5. Eh, good that you caught me on a day I was typing up a mess of schoolwork. Otherwise you'd have gotten the old, "Hey, I see you did a post, JT! I'll get to it when I do! :P" response! :D

    I guess he figures the suit looks really badass? God, I don't know... Trying to figure out DC lately is like using your head as a hammer... It CAN be done, it's just gonna hurt a lot...

    "the intelligent germ" HA!!! See, now there's stuff that I want to say in response to that, but I'd better not before people start to really wonder what the hell is wrong with me! :D Instead, I'll simply say this: JT, real man or jabroni?

  6. Haha I really lucked out, now I'm just waiting for the Invincible comments :P Speaking of which, Caz emailed me and said he bought the first 3 vols. of Invincible due to that, which is pretty cool.

    Lol best analogy ever! And the suit DOES look bad ass though.

    Lol yeah people would not like that... at all. It would be interesting to say the least, and I'm gonna vote man-broni! :P And gotcha Top Five in the email.

  7. Yeah well, that might have to wait a bit longer... :P So when does Robert Kirkman begin to send you royalties? :D

    That's what a day of nothing but homework will do to you... Cause you to go mad and start making up awesomely weird sayings... Yes sir.

    Just because of the term "man-broni" I'm now gonna change my vote to jabroni... Sorry, but it's been done and I can't take it back now. Sweet. I'll be looking forward to that post, which I WILL(probably...) read once it's posted! Probably...

  8. Two weeks before I did the post actually :P

    How much homework DO you have anyway? I mean you can't have THAT much left right?

    Lol I'm fine with being Jabroni, because ya know who ELSE is Jabroni? Triple H, SCSA... Jericho, besides Cole I'm in pretty good company. And you're damn right you're gonna read it, or I will camel clutch you SO fast :P

  9. Huh... I posted a glowing review for an Invincible trade before you did your post... Where the hell are MY royalties?!? :D

    I actually completely finished up one of the papers I had to do today(proofed, printed, done!). The oral presentation is pretty much done, I'll probably knock that out of my head until the night before I have to do it(Weds). I also started the shorter of the remaining papers I have to do. So basically it's finish up a 3 page paper and start/finish a 5 page paper. See that, I bet you wish you hadn't asked! :P

    Hmm, just the camel clutch? No(DRAGON!) suplex first? I mean without the threat of the suplex first, how do you expect my back to break? What a jabroni...

  10. You just did that one trade whereas I sold the ENTIRE series in one post, plus Kirkman loves me cause... I'm JT.

    Doesn't sound that bad. I'm sure any prior or weekly commitments you have will still be honored.... Lol

    Well I mean, COME ON! That's implied my friend, their one in the same like the Bella Twins or um... Goldberg and the phrase untalented.

  11. Correction, it's “the jt”.

    Wait, I have prior and/or weekly commitments?! I DO have a commitment to go to sleep soon, but that's about all...

    No, it has to be STATED! The suplex is NOT implied! It all goes together like PB&J! Suplex, preferably of the dragon variety, camel clutch, broken back, BAM, humbling. *shakes head ashamed for the jt*

  12. I apologize for messing up my name, the man-x!

    I have no idea, whatever you do hypothetically Monday's after Raw is your business, not mind. :P

    :( Now You see why I am the jabroni. But I vow I will never evvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvver forget the Dragon Suplex a-gain!

  13. HA! It's bad when you mess up your own name... And it's simply... *pauses for dramatic effect* the x.

    Try to sleep? Play video games? Watch TV? Listen to music? Read comics? Humble random enemies? Humble random friends? Humble complete strangers? Probably that last one...

    HA! "the" jabroni... God, I've got to get to sleep before this conversation becomes worse than it already is... If that's even possible!

  14. I refuse to EVER call you *pauses for dramatic effect* the x. Even typing that lower case bothers me for some reason...

    Humble Random enemies/friends and complete strangers. Damn man, whom SHANT you humble?!

    Nah, I'd say we already hit the bottom of the barrel on this convo...

  15. Why not? I think *pauses for dramatic effect* the x has a good ring to it. And that is SO true! Typing jt seems so very wrong... I NEED my capital letters!!!

    Dude, I'd humble ANYTHING! Everybody has to pay the Humbler...

    No, NOW we've hit the bottom of the barrel! Thank you everybody, we'll be here all week! Don't forget to try to ribs!

  16. Exactly, I feel like _____ Insert blogger name there. Haha, but yeah, I gotta cap my letters, sorry sucka!

    I feel bad for the person who reads this and understands...

    Haha please tip your waitresses, and then put them back in the upright positions. Badum-tsh!

  17. yes. geoff johns says random shit. he did it a lot in the lightning saga arc in JLA/JSA.

    i'm glad you see this

  18. Thanks for the comment Deq and being my 40th follower. Yeah, I've come to notice that Geoff is pretty wishy-washy with a lot of details. Could you mention some of the lightning saga arc things he changed?

  19. "I've come to notice that Geoff is pretty wishy-washy with a lot of details." HA! That's putting it nicely! I'd have just said he writes whatever the hell he wants, history be damned, but you're way more diplomatic than I am, JT. :D

    "I feel bad for the person who reads this and understands..." HA!!!! You make a great point, the jt... I'd both pity AND respect that person.

  20. Haha I gotta be diplomatic in case Geoff writes on my blog or something. I had Landry stop by, and Joe Eisma, so hey, I try. :P

    Lol I mean... if ANYONE wants away from this, thinking it's a coherent story, I feel bad for them.

  21. lightning saga random things: projectra has two hearts. wildfire has red tornado's android body. dawnstar has a (surprise!) girlfriend on thanagar. these were things mentioned once and never mentioned again..

  22. HA! I don't even know what to say about that! You spent this entire post ripping Brightest Day! I doubt El Chairman is going to read through the entire post, AND the comments, and be like, "Oh, well at least the jt is being diplomatic about this." Then again, maybe he would... Judging by his recent works, I wouldn't be shocked...

    Hell, I took part in this conversation and even I don't know what the hell is going on by this point!

  23. ALL excellent points I'd forgotten about Deq. I mean... why would you even MENTION stuff like that and never touch upon it, it seems so pointless, like it's just filler.

    Haha you know me X, I rip it up then I get diplomatic. But he'd HATE you, Geoff would hate you with the fiery passion of the Phoenix in a sauna with the Human Torch.

  24. He would too... I like everything El Chairman hates and vice-versa! I'm like the Anti-Chairman.

  25. Why is he El Chairman now? Who the hell are you, X Morrison? :P

  26. "Why is he El Chairman now?" Insanity and sleep-deprivation. Plain and simple. And now that I'm back on the Morrison train, I take that as a huge compliment! Morrison = Excellence!!! :P

  27. Lol I'm gonna start calling you John Kerry... :P I don't know who I am so I'll claim Obama :P Or you can be Howard Dean and end all your rants with BEYAAAAWWW!!!

  28. The random Howard Dean comment totally made my night, JT... BEEE-AAAWWW!!! He sounds like a dying bird... :D Until next time, X out. BEE-AWWWWWW!!!

  29. Haha he really does... poor Howard Dean, probably works at Kinkos now. BEAAA-AWWWW!!! I'd mark for that X

  30. A few Aqua-related counter-points-
    -Aquaman's always been bullet-proof,(withstand the ocean depths and all that) Johns is just the first to show it. -
    -If someone cut off my hand, I'd cry like a little girl too.
    -Mera has been shown doing some pretty awesome things with her powers. In Time and Tide she sinks a gigantic nuclear sub. It's not too much of a stretch to believe that with effort she could hold back the sea.
    -No Aquaman leads to Manta being a fish gutter,but no Batman makes Joker sane (see Going Sane) so it's not unprecedented for a vilain to act this way.
    -Hawkgirl hasn't been turned into Aquaman's hand she's been turned into a magic fart. ;)

    Funny post dude, I had to stick up for Aquaman though. I'm glad the Top 5 is back, hope I'm not too late for this one.

  31. Absolutely brutal! I love it. It's hard for me to comment on specific reasons, but I may be able to do that soon...because guess what I just got from the library:

  32. Counterpoints to your counterpoints -

    - I had no idea to be honest, I looked it up beforehand and saw some sites that said only his armor was bulletproof, but if you say so I'll believe ya.
    - Sure YOU would, you're a normal man. But Aquaman's apparently bulletproof AND it's happened before. I don't even think he cried the first time.
    - It's one thing for her to hold back water rushing forward, hell Moses kinda did that. But for her to move the ENTIRE SEA up to a wall of water then yank it towards her to grab up only the bad guys just seems a little much for a character whose claim to fame is marrying Aquaman, because that makes it seem like she's more powerful than him.

    -Yep, I recall that, but I was poking fun so ya know. :P

    - I'm upset I didn't think of that magic fart thing myself :P

    Thanks for the comment Paul, and I'd do the same thing if you made a post poking fun at Jason Todd, haha.

    Thanks Marc, glad you enjoyed the post as well. Glad your library got it in, so once you give that a good thorough brain-wracking read, lemme know what ya think.

    Also, you all should check this out

  33. I think getting turned into a magic fart must be the least dignified death in the DCU. It even beats getting stuffed in a matchbox or turned into Prometheus' rug.